61 thoughts I had while watching 50 Shades of Grey

Recently, I’ve gotten back into using my Netflix account again after pretty much neglecting it over the last couple of months. I noticed 50 Shades of Grey was on there. I’d never seen it before and my only experience of the books was reading one page when a friend was reading them. However, that one page was all I needed to read to know how plotless, dull and poorly written the entire trilogy was (this was confirmed by that same friend after she had finished reading them. How she managed to get through all three, I’ll never know). But, I thought maybe the film will have more to it, so I gave it a go.

I was wrong. So very wrong. It’s probably one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. But at least I didn’t waste money seeing it in the cinema when it first came out, so I suppose that’s a positive. I can only hope Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan were paid handsomely for the misfortune of having this on their CV forever more.

Of course while I was watching it I had some thoughts, so I thought I’d share them here. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll likely know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, take my thoughts as a warning. Don’t waste your time.

  • Annie Lennox is leading us in with a spine-tingling version of I Put a Spell on You. Somehow, I don’t think it’s a sign the rest of this is going to be as good, but let’s see.
  • Why in the hell would a would-be journalist send her quiet, shy, non-journalism studying roommate to interview somebody important? Was nobody else in her class available?
  • Could her falling in the door have been anymore forced? I’d almost die of embarrassment for her if it weren’t so fake.
  • “I don’t think I’d fit in here…I mean look at me”. Oh, god Ana, your practically hideous. Come on, are we really supposed to think she’s not a good-looking woman?
  • Is her getting wet in the rain supposed to signify her getting wet…elsewhere? My god, this is cheesy!
  • Her roommate looks miraculously flu-free now. Only a couple of hours earlier you’d swear she was dying on the couch. Talk about pulling a sickie.
  • And now this bitch is eating her sandwich. After getting her to do her job for her. She needs a slap!
  • If anyone other than a handsome billionaire turned up at your place of work and started talking about taking all their clothes off just one day after meeting you, you’d call the cops.
  • Now he’s asking her if every guy she talks to is her boyfriend. Mr. Possessive is on the loose.
  • Why is she freaking out that the first edition books are too much for him to get her? The guy’s a freaking billionaire! She should be more concerned with how creepy he is.
  • Now he’s tracking her phone. Psycho alert!
  • “Necrophilia’s not my thing”. I’d hope not Christian, but I wouldn’t be surprised at this point.
  • She’s asking him to not stay away after he basically threatened to beat her. What is wrong with this girl?
  • Is this movie sponsored by Apple? I swear I’ve seen about 6/7 of their products and we are not even a half hour in.
  • “Laters Baby”. Did he really just say that?
  • Want to distract a girl from the fact you’re a weirdo? According to this, all you need to do is take her on a helicopter ride, and everything is forgotten.
  • We’re a half hour in and Ellie Golding singing during the helicopter scene is the best thing that’s happened.
  • “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard”. No wonder she’s infatuated so quickly, he’s such a charmer.
  • He shows her his sex dungeon after knowing her for like a week, and she still hasn’t run out the door? Oh wait, I forgot, he’s a handsome billionaire. So, it’s all fine🙄.
  • All these rules he’s trying to impose on her are ridiculous. No sane woman would allow this.
  • Of course, she’s a virgin. She’s been waiting for the right guy, yet jumps into bed with this weirdo.
  • You know this sex scene is boring when you’re more focused on the Seattle skyline behind them.
  • That bath must be the least inviting bath ever. So much money yet he can’t spring for some bubble bath.
  • Dinner and movies aren’t really his thing. But whipping you until you’re raw…
  • So, now we are almost one hour in and The Weeknd singing has over took Ellie Golding as the best thing that’s happened so far. The only good thing about this is the soundtrack.
  • Why are they trying to justify the way he is because his mother’s friend put the moves on him when he was a teenager?
  • “Laters Baby”. Please stop saying that, it’s embarrassing.
  • Why in the hell is she not ripping up this contract?
  • “Red” is her safe word. You can already tell that’s going to end up being abused.
  • He’s using her jumper as a blindfold. I don’t know if he’s being practical or just cheap.
  • For a film supposedly all about sex, the sex scenes are really boring.
  • And the award for the least sexy sexting goes to…
  • Who has a business meeting in the dark?
  • He offers to take her out once a week and she says he’s so kind? I guess one night off from being a sex slave is better than no night off🤷🏼‍♂️.
  • “I’d like to fuck you into the middle of next week” he says. I’m more concerned with finding out what they are eating.
  • I love how the entire graduation ceremony essentially just stops so Ana and Christian can talk. Because that would happen.
  • I’ve just realised, Ana’s dad is played by the guy who played John Wakefield, the blood-thirsty murderer in Harper’s Island. Is it bad that I’m wishing he would go on a rampage here, and spice this up a little?
  • My god, is he actually spanking her like some misbehaving child? Just when I thought this couldn’t get any stupider.
  • Karen the annoying roommate is back. She’s telling her to be careful. Seriously? You were egging her on before, make up your mind!
  • Oh joy, there heading back to the playroom. Yawn😴!
  • The best thing about this sex scene is Beyoncé singing the Crazy in Love remix over it.
  • Oh, look, they’re dancing. I think we’re supposed to care. Yet all I’m concerned with is getting a look at the billionaire apartment they’re in.
  • Who stuck that god-awful wig on Rita Ora?
  • Who in the hell tries to feel up their girlfriend under the table during a dinner at which their entire family is present? This guy is f**ked up!
  • God, if you blinked you literally would miss Rita Ora in this? She has like three lines.
  • Again with the trying to make his behaviour acceptable. I’m sorry, but him having a tough upbringing doesn’t excuse him. If he wasn’t rich and handsome, she’d be out the door long ago.
  • Off on another aircraft ride. God, how easy is this girl? All he needs to do is bring her on a plane or helicopter and she forgives all.
  • “Things don’t get easier, you just get to know yourself better”. There is literally only one line to take away from this crap, and that’s it.
  • Is the chauffer really holding a sign with her name on it at the airport? He’s been driving her around the whole film. I think she’d know you.
  • Oh yay. More playroom fun. Sigh!
  • I’ve just realised something. For a film geared primarily toward heterosexual women, you see waaaay more of Ana naked than Christian.
  • What the hell is with the creepy gospel music during this sex scene? Is he baptising her or something? Or sacrificing perhaps?
  • “Fuck the contract, it’s a little redundant”. Couldn’t agree more Christian. It’s just like this entire movie.
  • “I’m 50 shades of fucked up”. Mother of God, how did E.L. James ever get this rubbish published, never mind made into a film?
  • She just told him she hates being punished, and then follows it up by…asking him to punish her even harder. This girl is a moron.
  • She told him not to come near her, to stay away. Then she goes down the hall to a bed…in his house. Why the f**k doesn’t she go home?
  • “Taylor will take you home”. Make a stand Ana, get the bus!
  • “Ana”…”Christian”. This is painful right to the last. Or maybe they were afraid we’d forget their names because of how boring they are.
  • Credits roll and I’ve wasted two hours I’ll never get back.
  • I should have just listened to the soundtrack on Spotify.
  • I won’t be rushing to watch the sequels anytime soon.

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